When I was about 25 years old, I switched my primary vice from marijuana to beer. That may not seem like much of an improvement to an outsider, but I was concerned about the law, not the drug. I had already been arrested once for drug-related matters, and if it happened again, I was at risk of moving into the Grey-bar Motel – perhaps for 2-5 years, or longer. Beer enabled me to still get high (yes, I actually thought that was important) without the legal consequences. Ironically however, all I managed to do was trade one set of troubles for another set.
Alcohol has led millions of otherwise responsible people into all sorts of poor choices: Bar fights and sexual promiscuity being among them. In my case, I was guilty of drunk driving way too many times. I never did have an accident (that I can remember) but I was behind the wheel when I should not have been and some of those times were very dangerous. Fortunately, I never did get caught or hurt anybody.
Throughout that time, a pattern of drunkenness and guilt emerged. My wife was not particularly interested in drinking that much, so I hung around with some buddies and family members who also liked the beer culture. It was not uncommon to stay out late and drive home drunk around midnight. Naturally my wife was unhappy and concerned.
The next morning, when I woke up, I realized how selfish I had been and decided I would “never” do that again. After about 3 days of staying sober, it seemed like I had retaken control of my problem, so one beer wouldn’t hurt. But that beer quickly led to another and another and I was right back in the same old rut. That cycle lasted about four years.
Then one night, after several of us had way too many beers, a sister of one of my pals was drinking with us and on her way home she drove into a parked car. She hurt herself slightly, and went through an unpleasant legal system as a result. Perhaps it was divine intervention, but that was a real turning point for me.
The next morning, the guilt trip returned, but that time I took a different tactic. Instead of forbidding myself to drink “from now on” I decided that I would just not drink for that one day. The day after that, I had the same objective, and each day thereafter. As time ticked past, there were countless temptations. All of my drinking buddies offered me beer. Family functions and holidays were awash in adult beverages, but I held out and avoided being judgmental of others. After all, most of them had their drinking under control. There was no reason to admonish them.
I was very aware of my progress. It was constantly on my mind. When I had been sober for 3 days, I “knew” it… all day. The same goes with each milestone thereafter. At a week, two weeks a month and six months I was fully aware of the improvement. I knew the exact date for my one-year sober anniversary. The same thing happened with the two-year and three-year anniversary. After that, I lost track of the exact date, but I can still tell you the first dry day was in the summer of 1979. I was 29 at the time. That was over thirty years ago and I have been boringly sober ever since.
Occasionally, after working outdoors in the summer sun, an ice-cold beer still sounds pretty good. Oddly, I am not particularly concerned about drinking one beer in a situation like that. After all, who would possibly suggest that one beer in thirty years is too much? But, it is the second beer that scares me. It could be the beginning of the same old “pattern” and I just don’t want to expose myself and others to the potential drama that could follow. So I remain dull and willing to stay that way.
As the years ticked by I came to find out that my drunkenness and quilt cycle is a common problem among members of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I was also surprised to learn that one of their primary philosophies is “one day at a time”, just like I instinctively embraced. I understand why they take that approach. “I am never going to drink again” is such a major commitment that it quickly seems unrealistic for many people who are surrounded by temptations.
If you are one of the fortunate ones who can drive by a liquor store without even noticing it, perhaps you can relate to the angst of the alcoholic by substituting a vice of your own. Suppose you enjoy chocolate. How difficult would it be for you to “never” eat it again? Everywhere you go chocolate is there to tempt you. Bakeries, gas stations, family functions, grocery stores, everywhere. Wouldn’t “forever” seem like too long and unrealistic? One day is challenging enough! And that is what Alcoholics Anonymous and I concluded.
The first step to dealing with these addictions is for the addict to acknowledge the problem. That is why AA meetings begin by each member standing up, one at a time, and confessing their equivalent of, “My name is Dave, and I am an alcoholic.” The remaining members respond in unison, with a warm “Hello, Dave.” The words are simple, but the meaning, compassion and sentiment are deep, for they all have their own painful stories: Auto wrecks, job losses, broken families, bankruptcy, sleeping in cars, jail and so much more.
When an AA member falls off the wagon, it can be very painful to spouses and others who have already given them countless chances. And, it is easy for the rest of us to make judgmental statements like, “They should just quit”. But the addicts know that, and nagging them does not usually help. Back at the meeting a much more practical approach is employed: “We don’t shoot our wounded.”
I have never attended an AA meeting, but I know people who have been loyal member for decades. The mutual support that they share keeps their lives in perspective. Regardless of the circumstances, they desperately need encouragement and that is what they offer each other…one day at a time.
I tell you all of this for a reason. You see, I am struggling with a new vice/addiction and I am trying to come to terms with it. In my next post I will confess all. Hopefully, you will be able to help me kick this on-going problem because there is no equivalent to AA to assist me.
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4 comments:
I think one big negative that our society has embraced lately is the aknowledgement of 'the disease'. I understand that clinically it might be defined as a disease, but I think it gives a lot people an easy out. It makes it too easy to defer responsibility for one's problems to a clinical disorder. I have seen several friends consumed by 'the disease' but more often than not it is lack of self control and accountability.
We have had tenants at some of the properties we manage that get welfare checks because they are 'clinically diseased' to the point that "they can't work". As a taxpayer it is frustrating to watch these people wait unproductively for their welfare check, as my crew works hard to earn money to pay taxes to give them their checks. What is usually the first thing they do when they get their check? Not pay their rent, but head off to the liqour store to have something to drink while they eagerly await the next Uncle Sam check.
Alcoholism is a terribly affliction that can and does destroy lives. But defining it as a disease legitimizes the behavior and does very little to address or rectify the problem. Until the alcoholic moves from diagnosis to treatment they are just one check away from their next hangover. One day at a time is great when headed to sobriety, but awful when it's one day until the next check.
7 of my good friends from Notre Dame that live in our area are alcoholics, but because we're young, no one seems to think the label is appropriate. Young people are "supposed" to get wasted several times a week. As long as they're able to go to work the next day, even if it's with a terrible hangover, they're still responsible enough to avoid acknowledging their problem. Every party we go to has to have cases and cases of beer. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to go to these parties because one of our friends tends to get pushy when he's really drunk. But again, all his behavior is just laughed off because we're young, and instead of his friends encouraging him to get help, they cheer him on while he drinks whiskey straight from the bottle. Now, I'm not saying alcohol should never be enjoyed, but the idea that the young can't be alcoholics is destructive.
Sharon, I think your comment was pretty insightful. It's often easier to chalk things up to youthful ingnorance than it is to call things what they are. However, at your age alcohol is a convient social lubricant. "Lets get a drink sometime" is a often just a good excuse to get together and socialize. I personally don't think there is really anything wrong with that at a certain age or in certain circumstances. To me the problem comes when as people age alcohol is still what they consider the catalyst to having a good time. Just because your friends drink consistently it shouldn't indicate that they are alcoholics. Probably immature, but not necessarily alcoholics. But you are right to say that to just have a blind eye can lead someone to take that bad path. Out of your seven friends probably 6.5 of them will figure it out.
an AA buddy tells me the youngest member in his club is 16 yo
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