My Addiction

The other day I posted an article about alcoholism (Below) At the end I promised to reveal an addiction of my own. As much as I hate to confess, here is my story.

Nobody would ever guess that Brenda is my drug pusher because she goes to great lengths to look innocent. She has no tattoos or piercings to draw attention to herself. She is barely five-feet tall and usually wears a non-descript dress. Although she works within a very well-organized gang, she frequently works alone. The other day, she walked right up to my front door and handed me my drug of choice in such a nonchalant manner that we completed our transaction right under my neighbors’ noses, without ever raising any suspicion.

Brenda’s gang has managed to keep the rival gangs out of the neighborhood, but there is no doubt who is in control. Sometimes, Brenda’s pals are so brazen they take up positions in public places in search of new victims and they are relentless in their search for customers. Brenda and her friends sell Girl Scout cookies.

Brenda, or one of her green sisters, drops by every year. Last week she wrested $32 from my wallet. Part of it was for a brand new flavor. It is called “Thank U Berry Munch”. YUM!!

I usually buy 8-10 boxes. Patty buys ‘em too. We both complain when we discover how many boxes the other person bought because we are both shamefully weak in the will-power department. But regardless of our mutual whining, we both admire kids who attempt any type of work. We also admire all scouts, and our big-fat bellies offer ample evidence of our fondness for tasty sweets. Those cookie boxes disappear faster than a tax-dollar on April 15th.

The door-to-door approach is not the only way Brenda and her pals try to snag me. One time, when I was leaving the grocery store I managed to get past the check-out lane without buying any food of sin, and then the gang in green attacked me, just outside the door. I think their sinister adult leaders train the youngsters to act especially cute and awkward. They adopt the softest voices possible and gently inquire, “Would you like to buy some Girls Scout Cookies?” That particular day, I was so determined to resist the temptation I just gave them a donation. A couple hours later, I was so proud of myself for resisting the urge I went back and bought several boxes as a reward.

When it comes to “cookie value” Girl Scout cookies are horrible. They cost as much as gourmet cookies or the ones that are fresh-made in the bakery. There are usually just a dozen cookies or so in a Girl Scout box, which sells for $3.50. If you cruise down the cookie isle, there are bags of generic cookies with 30 or more cookies per bag, all for less than $2.00. On the other hand, considering how much money I fork over to the gang in green, it is probably better that I don’t get good value. The last thing I need is an extra eighteen cookies in each box. (Sigh!)

You have probably heard that old saying, If you can’t fight them, join them; and, I am to that point. To get off on the correct foot, I want to recommend a new formal holiday. But one measly day is not enough for such a noble undertaking. If we can devote 4 days to turkeys and an entire month to black history we ought to be able to establish Girl Scout cookie week.

I propose that we all take a designated week off (paid of course) and devote each day to a different flavor of Girl Scout cookies. The Government will give us all a box of Do-Si-Dos for Monday. Tuesday we get free Thin Mints. Wednesday, it’s Samoas. Trefolds are exclusively for Thursday. Friday’s is for your choice of the lemon flavors. Saturday lends opportunity to say Thank U Berry Munch. And Sunday we get one whole box of each flavor so that we won’t forget the lesser-known flavors like Dulche-de-Leche, Daisy Go Rounds and Thanks-A-Lot.

All sorts of new dynamics will unfold in our society. Bartering clubs will spring up to trade flavors. Republicans will want to remove all regulations. Democrats will want to take 4 cookies out of each box and give them to victims of some tragedy. TV shows will tell us various new ways to serve cookies. Kids will get so tired of cookies they will start begging their moms for carrots and celery sticks. The mob will try to make indistinguishable counterfeit cookies. The Girl Scouts will all be forced to join Unions. Do-gooders will want to set up Cookies Anonymous. Scalpers will hoard the good flavors and then sell them for a premium on Ebay. Churches will accept cookies in the collection plates. People will get cookie tattoos on secret parts of their bodies. The Crips and Blood will develop new hand signals to flaunt their preferred flavor. True scandal will visit the half-time show of the Super Bowl as Janet Jackson is “busted” wearing nothing more than a couple of well-placed Do-Si-Dos.

And, of course, I will get fatter. Oh well, at least I will be happy.

Whaddya say? Are you with me?

History of Girl Scout Cookies

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