Is He Really Talking About Peeing?

Peeing in a cup is an abnormal experience, especially for men.

When males have a “full tank” there is a lot of pressure in there and it is difficult to turn the faucet on and off at will. If you want some medical evidence go here. Trying to gracefully dispense a half-ounce of fluid from a pressure-packed human spigot into a shot glass-sized paper cup is comparable to asking a fireman to hook up his hose to the fire hydrant and dribble the precise amount of water onto your prize-winning tulips: You’re asking for a miracle.

Toilet seat splatter is nothing compared to the potential disaster of peeing for a physical. One time I really screwed it up. The sinister nurse gave me two test tubes and a tiny cup, to fill. What a challenge! She must have known that she did not provide a holder for the test tubes so they had to be capped and laid on their sides after each one was filled.

That does not seem particularly difficult until you realize that it takes at least four hands to perform the basic procedure: The first hand has to hold two pair of pants and a zipper or the entire work area can get messy; the second hand needs to attend the dispenser itself, which is no simple task in that situation; the third hand is for holding the test tubes; and the fourth hand is for putting the caps on the little containers after they are filled. As I took the collection of receptacles, I was disappointed to realize nobody was going to lend me a hand.

First, I tried to empty my reservoir a bit to relieve some of the pressure, but I didn’t want to run out of fluid so a confusing game of stop and start ensued. Drip, squirt, dibble, splash, squeeze! Then the real fun began.

The next thing to do was figure out which hand was going to do what. Since there were so many jobs to do, and only two hands to perform them all, there were several possibilities; but, none of them makes sense unless you happen to be a juggler. Eventually, a half-baked strategy was adopted. Then it was time to assume “the position.”

I stood there, nearly-straddling a porcelain God, in an attempt to prevent any overflow from flooding the floor and creating yet another embarrassing problem. I thought about magicians who tell us that the hand is faster than the eye, and I was hoping they are correct. I summoned all of the concentration I could generate and began the impractical mission.

Once the process was underway, it was nearly impossible to dispense the proper quantity of liquid into the shot glass-sized cup. If you release the pressure too suddenly, your cup might runneth over and produce a big mess. On the other hand, it is equally difficult for men to ooze on demand, unless they have a prostate problem, but that is a different matter.

I grabbed one of the test tubes and filled it completely; too completely. Just then I thought I heard giggling out in the hall. I wondered if I was the subject of one of those TV shows that takes pleasure in catching people off guard.

Somehow, I eventually accomplished the goal, but I “had to” wash my hands and clean off that first test tube. I examined my clothes, and all was well, so I handed the containers to the nurse. I wanted to wash my hands again. I wondered how often she washes hers.

I did learn one important lesson from all of this: The next time I have to perform this unseemly ritual, I will take a feminine approach and sit down.

Contrary to what you might think, I tell you all of this for a reason. Prior to today, I would have never guessed that I would have a weirder story about peeing than the one I just shared. But today my wife and I actually attended a joint-venture peeing party…with somebody else.

Our job was to observe our third partner while she was in the act and upon the predetermined signal we converged on our victim. I held her still and Patty made her pee…you guessed it in a cup.

You see we have just adopted a beautiful Golden Lab/Golden Retriever mix named Gracie. We took the 3-year old young lady to the vet to make certain that there are no heart worms or other hidden problems. The first thing the vet needed was a urine sample.

So there we were, the three of us: A golden dog on a very short leash, a fat old dude following her around the yard and the old dude’s favorite female…cup in hand, poised and ready. Our little exercise would have won the grand prize on America’s Funniest Home Video. Fortunately, we didn’t have to wait long. The unsuspecting canine assumed the position and Patty seized the opportunity.

A couple hours later all of the necessary samples were delivered to the vet and it appears a new phase in our lives has begun. More about Gracie to follow.

Comments?