Not Me

I realize it sounds absurd, but my wife and I actually have…an invisible child.

I know. I know. But before you scoff, just hear me out. There is a good chance you may have an invisible child, too. If so, your invisible child probably has the exact same name as our does.

I was first introduced to our invisible child over twenty-five years ago, when our normal children, Adam and Justin, were about seven-years old. They referred to their unusual and mysterious sibling as, “Not Me”.

I am ashamed to admit that I have never actually met Not Me, but I am one-hundred percent certain he lived with us: or, at least it seemed that way because Adam and Justin were always referring to him. You see, Not Me was responsible for practically everything that ever went wrong in our home.

Whenever we wanted to know who left the door open, all we had to do was ask one of our perfect children, and they would gladly tell us. Why, of course it was…Not Me. When we asked Adam who left the milk out, he was quick to inform us that it was Not Me. When I asked Justin who left my skill saw out in the rain all night he seemed to know that Not Me did it. Adam and Justin were perfect in every way, but that Not Me kid was always screwing up.

Over time, I grew somewhat accustomed to having an invisible child, until one night, when things got way out of hand.

On that particular evening, we were having a large family gathering of twenty people or so. Just when the house was full of guests, I suddenly had an urge to use the “necessary room”. Ordinarily, I would not want to attend such activities when I have a house full of guests, but as the saying goes, “When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go”.

We all know that no job is complete until the paperwork is done and that job was no exception, if you know what I mean. Eventually, I got to the point where I needed to do the paperwork so I reached for the toilet paper roll. The trouble began when I discovered that the chrome dispenser was empty. Such a discovery might ordinarily lend a person concern, but we have a vanity close by and we always keep plenty of the stuff in there.

Comforted by that fact, I opened the door to the cabinet in search of a back-up roll but none was immediately visible. I have to admit that at that point I was a bit worried. I hoped that somehow a roll had fallen to one of the back corners, so I leaned forward farther than I liked, and made a more complete inspection of the cabinet’s contents. Alas, it was devoid of any spare rolls.

In a moment like that the human mind is capable of thinking several things all at once and my mind went completely aflutter. For starters, I was really angry with whoever left me stranded like that. If there were Ten Commandments of Bathroom Etiquette, that would certainly be the first commandment, “Whosoever uses the last of the toilet paper, shall replace the roll.”

Equally as irritating was my role in the matter. Any intelligent adult should have enough sense to complete a paper inventory before embarking on such journeys, but I simply grew lazy and probably deserved what happened. But the anger needed to be set aside for a while as I considered the more immediate matter: Namely, how the heck was I going to get out of there?

As I said, my brain was juggling all these emotions and ideas at the same time. Here are the top three ideas that visited me as I sat there, angry and exasperated.

1) Perhaps I can call out for my wife to come help me.
Conclusion: If we were there alone, I probably would have taken that track, but there was too much risk of an evening filled with ridicule by the house guests if word got out.
2) The second idea was…well, let’s just say it was so unpleasant it became strictly an emergency plan.
3) The final thought was the one I elected to employ.
I decided to try to get to the other bathroom, at the other end of the house, and try to finish the paperwork down there.

So the plan was laid. I pulled up my britches as far as I dared. I listened closely at the door to make certain nobody was out there. When the time was right, I made a hasty retreat and commenced on a quick and awkward walk down the hall. I am pleased to report that the paperwork was completed without additional fanfare, but there was still some follow-up work to do.

I grabbed several rolls of TP from the storage area and headed back to the original bathroom. I reloaded the chrome holder and placed several extra rolls in the vanity so nobody else would get marooned. Then I decided to deal with whoever left me stranded and that First Commandment of Bathroom Etiquette. I was determined to publicly ridicule the culprit so he or she would never do that again.

The anger returned in full-force as I entered the living room. There where about a dozen guests engaged in small-talk. At that exact moment, Grandma also entered the room. She was coming from the kitchen and carrying a tray full of hors d’oeuvres.

I summoned a loud and determined tone when I bellowed out, “Who used the last of the toilet paper and did not replace the roll?”

The room grew silent as all eyes turned my way to see what was so important. Grandma turned and faced me too. The silence lasted only a second or two before Grandma could not take it any longer. Suddenly she said it, “Not Me’.

Not Me?

Not Me?

I guess I should have known.

It was a deep rooted family conspiracy. Everybody, including Grandma was in on it.

In a final desperate attempt to solve the problem, I quickly glanced around the room. I knew everybody’s name. None of them was called Not Me. Nobody raised their hand to say something like, “I did it, Dave, I am sorry.” Since it was obvious that nobody there did it, it must have indeed been Not Me, just like Grandma said.

That was the day I decided not to fight it any longer. From that point on, I just accepted the fact that we had an invisible child, named Not Me.

And that is the way it was for about twelve more years until Adam and Justin moved away. For some reason that is the same time that Not Me also faded into oblivion, never to be heard from again.

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Public Speaking

Surveys reveal that people fear Public Speaking more than death, divorce, illness, airplane rides and just about everything else. But dealing with public speaking can be the springboard to better jobs, teaching Sunday School or delivering a toast at a friend's wedding. So, if you are interested in learning more about speaking, you just might like this article that I wrote about "fear and mistakes" for a Toastmasters Club. Toastmasters serve as a great place for people to practice and develop speaking skills.

FEAR AND MISTAKES

Beginning speakers worry way too much about making mistakes. This is usually because they take themselves too seriously. If you are a beginner, here is a little secret for you: Mistakes are normal and you can cash in on them...big-time.

Nobody has ever been better at failing than the former Tonight Show Host, Johnny Carson. Whenever Carson screwed something up, he simply enjoyed the moment instead of panicking or worrying about what people would think. Ordinarily, he just made a goofy face at the audience, and at his side-kick Ed McMahon, and they would all erupt in laughter together. It was Carson’s self-deprecating demeanor that won him countless millions of fans.

One of the greatest examples of Carson turning lemons into lemonade was the night he came on stage for his monologue without realizing his zipper was down. He was trying to deliver his prepared jokes but McMahon was laughing so hard, and at the wrong moments, Carson finally had to stop right in the middle of his speech to find out what the heck was driving his buddy up the wall.

McMahon could barely get the words out of his mouth, he was laughing so hard. Finally, with rivers of tears running down McMahon’s cheeks, Carson got the message. He just faced the audience, opened his jacket, exposed the problem and paused. The decibel-level of the audience laughter must have set a record.

Carson reached down, and ever so slowly, slowly, slowly, began zipping up his trousers. He must have taken 15 seconds. All along he was making one of those fantastic faces feigning embarrassment, but in actuality he was playing that situation like the master that he was. The cameras scanned the audience and they were out-of-control. The admiration and love on their faces for the talented Carson was so deep and obvious it could not hide behind their hysterical laughter.

Carson never did get to finish his monologue. He didn’t have to. Everybody was already entertained way beyond their expectations. All of that was because Carson knew how to handle a silly mistake!

All of our Toastmaster members make mistakes too. So what? We are just like Mr. Carson because we are surrounded by friends who really don’t care all that much. The key is to just roll with your mistakes and enjoy the moment. Once you can do that, you can actually use your awkward moments as another great learning opportunity.

But, just to be safe, check your zipper first.

If you are interested in learning a little more about Toastmasters, here is a link to the website for the club I belong to.


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Political Winds

There has not been a Democratic President elected to two consecutive terms, by a majority vote, since FDR (Clinton was elected to two terms but he only got 43% of the vote the first time and 49% the second time) Obama is weaker than all of them. In that same time-span Ike, Nixon, Reagan and Bush all were re-elected, with majorities. This suggests the country is right-leaning.

Another sign of liberal frailty lies in the main-stream media. They were once powerful but TV stations, magazines and newspapers are all losing ground so they are screaming louder than ever. I think you are hearing their desperation.

Other pillars of liberalism such as unions and academia are also crumbling:

In the mean time, middle-America has witnessed Obama, Reid and Pelosi in action, and it has awakened. The silent majority is having trouble remaining silent.

As far as 2012 is concerned, Obama has shown no inclination to move toward the mood of the voters as Clinton did when the Republicans took over congress in 1994, so he appears destined to be another one-term Democrat.

That is most unfortunate. Obama had an opportunity to heal a great deal of the racial divide that so many blacks feel, but I am afraid his closest associates have been more concerned with fanning the flames than putting the fires out. Bitterness, often unfounded, reigns prominent among the black masses as race pimps continue to thrive exaggerating real racial conflicts and creating conflicts where there are none.

Many angry black leaders refuse to acknowledge all of the progress this country has made in racial relations, but the masses see evidence everywhere. For starters this very President could not have ascended to such heights without people of all races. Then there are all the other phases in our lives. Blacks have won American Idol which they could not have done if people were all striving to hold them back. Black athletes own sports and we support our favorite teams as much as we ever did. Blacks are among our best judges, cops, attorneys, military leaders, teachers and anything else they set their minds to. But most importantly, we know what we think in our own hearts.

In spite of all of this, there are leaders who thrive on keeping the blacks angry. These leaders are nothing more than Race Pimps, who profit by manipulating and misleading vulnerable blacks. Instead of encouraging the average African American to make the best of themselves, these self-serving leaders spew hate-speech against Caucasians (a race) in general.

Meanwhile these same leaders insist that their own hateful comments and philosophies cannot be deemed to be “racist” because, “We have no power.” But, even if power was a legitimate justification for their constant rants against other races, the assertion that they wield no power is simply false.

There are many powerful people who use their allies and subordinates to carry out their objectives. Army generals order the troops into battle. Mafia bosses send out hit men to carry out tasks, CEO’s of large corporations require and inspire their employees to act in the desired way. Entire countries form powerful allegiances and perform tasks for one another

Black leaders are no different. Whenever they want to manipulate an issue, all they have to do is enlist their loyal allies. The liberal media (network TV news, most newspapers, and liberal blogs) will march to the orders and gladly broadcast any message they desire. Democratic leaders will push for government solutions to the complaint of the day and Republican officials will accommodate the issue rather than point out that favoring blacks over whites is just as bad as favoring whites over blacks. Reverse racism is still racism no matter how noble the cause.

If all else fails, the race pimps simply call a well-known white person a “racist” whether they are or not, and the conservative media (talk radio, right-leaning blogs and Fox, news) will jump right in and keep the stories alive.

My point is that all the black leaders have to do to get whatever it is they want is snap their fingers or call a prominent white person a racist and the entire media, liberal and conservative alike, will jump on board and discuss the matter to death, with the collective public all having front-row seats at their TV screens.

Therefore those leaders have a lot more “power” than they let on and any suggestion that they cannot be racists because they have no power is false.

Back to Obama, he had a great opportunity to bring this kind of racial friction to an end or at least diminish its effect. Who can forget his great speeches with lines like, “We are not Red States and Blue States: We are the ‘United’ States”? He spoke of bringing our country together but instead, his administration disregarded the will of the majority over and over again, opting to implement policies that many members in his own party do not even like.

There is more divide in our Country now than when he took office and his Party is on the verge of imploding, similar to what Mr. Clinton experienced. What a shame. He had an egg from the fateful Golden Goose, but he has elected to discard the egg, rather than make a delicious political omelet for us to all share.

But that does not automatically mean the R's will win in 2012. If Hillary smells blood, she might run against the half-white Prez and there are so many bigots who will vote for somebody just because they are black or female, she might have a shot.

In the end, the R's should retake control in approximately 100 days. The question is, “What will they do with it?

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