Each of the two previous articles discussed young people. In a related discussion there was some thought given to how much should a partent (especially moms) do for the kids vs. teaching them to be responsible for themselves. Kim contributed this article about the topic. See what you think.
ENOUGH WITH THE DEMANDS OF THESE LITTLE CHILDREN!
by: Kimberly Cooper
Gospel Reading today Luke 11:29-32
"How demanding are the people of this day! They ask for a miracle, but none will be given except the miracle of Jonah." Luke 11:29
The first thought that came to my mind when I read the gospel today is how demanding our children are in today's times. What happened to children obeying their parents the first time and being happy with a big red juicy apple as a treat? Now children demand box juices, sponge bob fruit snacks, chips, crackers, movies, more and more toys...and the list goes on. My son, Benjamin, just started his T-Ball practice. I was amazed to hear all of the demands of these little 4 and 5 year olds. Needing a drink of their Gatorade after 10 minutes of practice and asking for a snack after practice. This is absurd if you ask me! Our children are accustomed to being doted on constantly. We are doing nothing but providing them a disservice in today's world. Children need to be happy to use the water fountain at baseball practice and okay with waiting to get home to eat supper on the dinner table that his mother so lovingly prepared. Enough with all of the handouts of needless fruit drinks and snacks at their beck-and-call!
As of late, I have stopped buying snacks. I load up on fresh fruit and vegetables and a source of protein for every meal. No juice....just water or milk at the Cooper household. I was sick and tired of my children going to the pantry to get full of snacks and then not eating their supper. Now they are delighted with a banana or apple slices. Not that I do everything right, I am still learning what works and what doesn't but I do know one thing, I refuse to have demanding, spoiled rotten children.
When, as mothers raising disciples of Christ, do we stop the nonsense? You all know I am a big believer in the old fashion way of doing things. I think if we continue to pick up their toys, give them everything they demand we are only raising children that will demand the life they want, not the life that is best for them...God's Will. We are teaching our children to be weak by giving them all of these excess, needless supplies of food, drink and "stuff". They need to toughen-up if you ask me! Less is more and teaching our children the simple ways of using the water fountain, a pay phone (do they have those anymore), making their bed, cleaning up their messes, setting the table, cleaning off the dinner table, less TV and more floor time of legos and baby dolls, less entertainment in the backyard and more use of their imaginations. Think about the old ways of our loved ones who have gone before us. Somehow, they enjoyed life and were thankful for each and every little thing given to them. More than likely it is because their parents didn't hand them everything they wanted. They either had to work for it or did without. Sure we want our children to have a wonderful childhood, but the less we dote, the more wonderful they will turn out. Enough with the demands of our children and let's demand some respect.
Thank you Kim. You obviously have strong opinions, which make for fascinating reading. So all of this brings us to a few questions. Where do we draw the line regarding performing tasks for the kids? A lot of time it is easier to just do it ourselves, but is that really the best thing? And then there is a certain pleasure in caring for our families and doing little thnigs for them, but at what point are we spoiling them or making them too dependant on us? When did you have to help with the household chores? Did it matter?
I want to thank my friend Pam for introducing me to Kim.
if you would like to visit Kim's blog here it is http://www.archangelmothersministry.blogspot.com/
And don't forget to drop by my other blog http://ourfamilyfinancesbydavethyfault.blogspot.com/
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15 comments:
Dave, I completely agree with Kim's article. I suspect that you do as well. To be a bit theological (she does reference Holy Scripture), one of the consequences of "The Fall" of Adam and Eve was that Man's (meaning men and women) higher faculties - especially reason - lost control of the lower faculties - including the appetites. Part of the job of a parent is to form the child into a fully functioning human being. In Catholicism we do this through self denial like fasting. We learn that duties - such as going to church - are based on what our reason tells us not on what our fealings tell us. So, kudos to Kim! She will form her children to be fully functioning adults who will do their duty, take care of their families, honor their parents, and know, love and serve God based on reason and not only when appetite might dictate. Individuals and the world suffer when indulgent parents allow their children to grow up with out the least bit of self control. A child formed in an indulgent manner will be an unhappy man or woman. One final thought: this is why a child needs a father and a mother. A mother will nurture and care for a child; a father's duty is to push that child out into the world. This doesn't start at 18 - it starts at 3. Both a father and a mother should demonstrate love for a child by giving that child what is highest and best - not what is convenience and emotionaly satisfying in the moment. I can here my own mother telling me to drink from the hose out in the yard when I wanted to pass through her immaculate kitchen. In that small way and others, she was helping me to grow up. A loving mother doesn't always give in to the whim of her children. She needs to train her children to honor her - and this means to obey her happily. My rant is over; now I have to put on on my helmet and flack jacket and go home!
I also agree and we live a similar lifestyle. (Hi Kim!)
The children drink water. They eat 3 meals a day at the table and they get healthy snacks. They absolutely do not get to snack (much less on junk) all day. I agree that self-control is the name of the game here. If we don't teach children to say no, they won't say no!
I was thinking about what you said about parents enjoying doting on their children, Uncle David, and I see that temptation! We love our children and so naturally we like to see them delighted. I think there is occasion for that in its own time and place, but not on any given day. For example, I love Christmas because I get to give the children toys. I don't usually do that! They don't beg me for stuff at the store because I never give in when they ask. So they are super thankful on Christmas and get really excited about it rather than tearing through gifts with a sense of entitlement.
This is a topic to be consistently aware of as parents. Less is more. I really think it creates greater happiness and virtue.
Definition (according to Webster):
Arrogance
an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions
My opinion differs slightly from Kim's and the previous comments.
While I agree to some extent with the premise of Kim's article in that kids are coddled far too much today and eat too much junk and play too many video games, watch too much TV, etc., I disagree with the thought that we must restrict and control our children to death. I am a firm believer in moderation. I have read many many parenting books such as "Love and Logic" and they all state the same.
I believe in giving kids options and choices. In restricting them constantly, you are not allowing them to make choices and mistakes - the whole backbone of learning. If we are constantly telling children what is right and what is wrong and eat this, not that, do this, not that, how are they ever going to learn and become productive adults? And is it realistic to assume that they will not eventually indulge in the forbidden fruits so often denied them? It's human nature to want what we can't have. And typically when it's restricted from us in such a fashion, we overindulge in these things, instead of having them in moderation. Right now we're talking about junk food, TV and pitching in around the house, but in the future kids are faced with bigger decisions with bigger consequences. If they weren't allowed to make choices and suffer the consequences of a poor choice as children, how are they going to handle the choice to try drugs or have sex?
Constant gratification is not healthy, but neither is constant denial.
And to LJS: Although I don't know how old the author's children are, I know one must be in the 4 to 5 age range as she mentions that in the article. You talk about self-denial. Do you really think a 4 or 5 year old has any comprehension of self denial? I'm sure not - nor should they. Self denial is a very complex emotion that takes years and years to understand and refine and master. Many adults can't even get it right.
To Andrea: You write "if we don't teach our children to say no, they won't say no." With this method of parenting you aren't teaching your children ANYTHING. YOU are making their choices for them. You are not giving them options which forces them to think and learn.
I guess I don't understand what's wrong with letting kids be kids. We have all of our lives to deny and restrict ourselves, a little bit of juice or candy or TV or video games as an occasional treat is just fine, even healthy, in my opinion. Again I reiterate, life is about moderation. Not excess or denial.
I'm sure I'm not going to win any friends here with my opinion, but this is the way my husband and I are raising our children, and it works well for us. We have very happy, bright, well adjusted kids. It's all about give and take.
"To Andrea: You write "if we don't teach our children to say no, they won't say no." With this method of parenting you aren't teaching your children ANYTHING. YOU are making their choices for them. You are not giving them options which forces them to think and learn."
Much to the contrary, I do not make all the choices for my children. They are not little adults. They don't have the ability to "see around the corner," if you will. I give them safe opportunities to make choices that are age appropriate. Please note, also, that my children are very small. If were were dealing with older children or teenagers, I think my take would be different and additional freedoms would be available.
And, if you see in my comment, I also agree with you that things in moderation are great! They get toys in moderation (Christmas and birthdays), but not every time they whine and beg. That produces whiny adults who think they should get whatever they want with no self-restraint. I said my children don't snack on junk all day. If we go to a party or such, of course I'll let them have what's offered or I'll make them treats for special occasions.
As far as self-denial, it's true. Most adults don't get it. That's why we start teaching it as children. Unbridled, entitled, adults are what we're trying to avoid, and our culture could certainly do better with less of them.
Our children are delightful, well-behaved, and joyful children who have a great sense of freedom. We are the parents chosen for our children and they get what they need, I think! Your children sound wonderful, and so clearly they get what they need from you as well!
If you'll notice, I do not attack other parent's methods of raising their children. I'm simply stating my beliefs on how I raise mine and affirming Kim in her article. ;-)
I'm sorry if you feel that I was attacking you, or any of the other posters. That was not my intention. There is no doubt that you and Kim are both loving caring moms and you are doing what you feel is best for your children. My intent was to show another side, or another method of parenting if you will that I feel works best for our family. I really feel that every life experience should be a learning experience and kids should be able to have choices and make mistakes, especially at a young age when the consequences are small. That's the main premise I was trying to point out. I guess in the long run all that matters is we are all working hard to raise happy, healthy and well adjusted kids. No one will ever agree on the method or path to take to get to that end.
Definition:
Intolerant
2 a : unwilling to grant equal freedom of expression especially in religious matters
definition-
Ad hominem:
1 : appealing to feelings or prejudices rather than intellect
2 : marked by or being an attack on an opponent's character rather than by an answer to the contentions made
Definition:
Anonymous
3 : lacking individuality, distinction, or recognizability
I pretty much agree with Matt's first statement. Most parents are arrogant. The majority of parents believe that the way they are raising their children is the best way. Which by definition, as Matt pointed out, is arrogance. Some parents add the caveat that the their way is at least the best for their kids.
I think most parenting styles are not what is best for the kids, but what is best for the parents. Parents treat their kids in ways that they think would have worked to raise themselves to be what is their ideal of an adult should be. To assume that your way of parenting is going to affect your kids the way you expect is arrogant.
I am sure everybody can think of a family with multiple children where one of the kids is completely different than the others. Obviously that kid reacted to the parenting in a different way than the others. Sometimes it is for the better, and sometime it is not.
I have known children from strict parenting homes that ended up completely wild, unbalanced and irresponsible. Likewise I have known kids from loose parenting homes that ended up being very moderate, restrained and non-entitled. In both cases the parents were disappointed.
There is no way to know how your 4 year old is going to react to your choice of parenting style in the long run. To assume that you do know, is just arrogant.
Justin I think you have a good point about raising children focusing much on what kind of adult you would like them to be. Different parents have different aims for their children. Some parents define success for their children by education or financial success or level of happiness, etc.
I would disagree with you on the front that parents think that they know how their children will turn out. Of course I would be sad if my children didn't attain my definition of success for them (I'm not going to share that definition here, because I would surely get flamed). I recognize that they have free will. But, I will continue to raise them in a way that I think will help to form them into a fulfilling adulthood. That's my responsibility, despite their choices when they grow up.
Truthfully, I do believe that the vast majority of parents do what they think is best for their children. We love our children with intensity, that's why topics like this can create such a firestorm.
I must admit, though, that I find it frustrating to discuss differences of opinion or parenting style when others are getting defensive and accusatory. When I left my first comment about how I choose to parent (which is really just a tip of the iceberg on my parenting style, really), I was not condemning anyone, judging anyone, being intolerant of anyone (which is ironic because by the stated definition of intolerance, I'd say that my chosen religion may not be tolerated in this conversation), or being arrogant. I was simply stating that I agreed with the original author on certain points. I shared some concrete examples of how we live similarly. What I did not do was call anyone out for living differently than me. The truth is that even my closest friends/relatives who share my core vales in life parent differently than me - that doesn't alter my respect for them or their God-given role as parent for their specific child.
I maintain that I agree with the concept of moderation in an age appropriate way. I'm not going to throw my hands up and assume that my role as a primary adult in a child's life will not affect them. It will. Maybe it won't play out exactly how I would like, but for better or worse, parents influence children. Justin, you and I are perfect examples of this! I think, based on conversations with my wonderful aunt and uncle, that they are extremely pleased with the adult that you are! To say that they didn't contribute to your success, in some way, by how they raised you would dishonor them. The same goes for me.
That being said, I'd like to say that it all comes down to love. We love our children, and base our choices on this love. :-)
Andrea, I agree with you regarding all of your posts on this topic. Your and Charlie's children are wonderful kids to be around. It is evident how much you guys love them and how much effort you put into making sure that they are raised as best that you can. Both of you deserve every feeling of pride that exists. Likewise for Matt, Heather and their kids.
But, I think all three of you have demonstrated your parental arrogance in these postings. However, you should all be proud of your arrogance.
You and Heather both stated what you think is an effective parenting style. Obviously they are different styles; personally I don't think either is wrong or more right than the other. But the intensity and quickness with which each of you defended your positions shows how personal the topic is.
I don't think either of you are being defensive because you think you're wrong. Frankly I would be disappointed with both of you if you thought your parenting style was wrong but continued with it anyway. To me, both of you seem confident that the way you are raising your kids is the right way for you, your spouses and your kids. To an outsider that confidence is easy to interpret as arrogance; but a justifiable arrogance. Likewise, as an outside observer, I didn't think any of the posts were attacking, accusatory, or demeaning; opinionated, but not attacking.
And finally, any arrogance that your parents or my parents have felt through the years has proven to be completely justified; we turned out great!
Just because somebody has an opinion or belief system is no reason to assume they are intolerant of other opinions.
I read all of the posts and nobody tried to tell anybody else whst to do. They all just said what they believe and why.
I guess we can technically say that when people are confident in their opinions they are "arrogant" but I say, "so what?" I for one, enjoy people who have the guts to form an opinion and stand up for it, as they have done here.
The main point was worthy of discussion. Kim thinks kids are easily spoiled and she has taken a stand to deal with her observation.
Other people chimed in. It does not seem even remotely intolerant to me. There was lots of give and take.
And that is the point to a blog.
Thanks to all for kicking in your thoughts.
More good stuff coming soon.
Heya
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